This is a question that has come up repeatedly in my research on why so many marriages seem to fall apart around age 40. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed, and one that raises an intriguing question: Why do women have more affairs than men?
Recently, while chatting with a male friend, he said something that stuck with me. I often write based on life experiences and the conversations happening around me, and this topic continues to resurface.
I work with men in various capacities—not just through my therapy practice but also through my property company. Over the years, I’ve also worked in bars and restaurants, where I frequently overheard men discussing their ex-wives. They would talk about the breakdown of their relationships, yet something struck me during my recent conversation with my friend:
Are men truly hearing what they’re saying?
It seems that, in their own words, they’re answering the question of why their relationships fell apart—yet they don’t seem to recognise it. This made me wonder: Could the key to understanding this issue lie in the difference between empathy and sympathy?
The Crucial Difference: Empathy vs. Sympathy
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone’s situation—but from a distance. It often carries a sense of pity rather than genuine understanding. And when someone is seeking empathy, sympathy can feel dismissive and frustrating.
Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to truly understand and share another person’s feelings by putting yourself in their shoes. It fosters emotional connection, while sympathy can unintentionally create distance.
In relationships, a lack of empathy can leave one partner feeling unheard and emotionally disconnected, which may contribute to breakdowns in communication and, ultimately, the relationship itself.
Common Scenarios
Picture this: A man comes home from work, and the house is in chaos. The children are being children, the wife is overwhelmed, and stress lingers in the air. He has spent the day working hard and, when he steps through the door, all he wants is a moment of peace—a chance to unwind and have some quiet time for himself.
Meanwhile, his wife, who has been immersed in this chaos all day, needs something very different. She wants to offload, to be heard, and for him to truly understand what her day has been like. Ideally, she’d like him to step into her shoes, acknowledge her exhaustion, and offer her a break.
But instead of empathy, he offers sympathy—and this is where the disconnect begins.
Another common scenario occurs when both partners are stressed and seeking to be heard after working demanding jobs. He comes home after a long, difficult day, needing her to understand what he has been through. She, too, has had an exhausting day and wants him to recognise her struggles. They both begin speaking, eager to share their frustrations and receive support. But instead of offering each other empathy, they offer sympathy—acknowledging each other’s stress but without truly stepping into each other’s shoes. The conversation becomes a cycle of “Yes, I hear you, but my day was hard too,” rather than “I see how that must have felt for you.”
As a result, neither feels truly understood. They both leave the conversation feeling just as emotionally empty as before.



Could This Be Why Women Have More Affairs?
Are women seeking empathy? Do they turn to someone else when they don’t receive it at home? And if so, does this explain why so many affairs eventually break down—because they realise they’re back in the same emotional position as before?
In the beginning, someone new may offer sympathy, and in her moment of emotional need, she mistakes it for empathy. It feels comforting at first, like she is finally being heard and understood. But over time, she realises that she is not receiving the deep emotional connection she craves—just more sympathy. And once again, she feels unseen, unheard, and unfulfilled.
Could the real answer lie in open communication and learning to cultivate empathy in our relationships? If partners truly heard and understood each other, could this prevent the emotional disconnect that often leads to affairs in the first place?
Perhaps empathy isn’t just the key to stronger relationships—but also the missing piece in lasting emotional fulfillment.